he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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