nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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