That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
