I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
