i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
