i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
