Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
