how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
false alarm, still single
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