I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
