I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My vagina just recognized that song.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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