The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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