if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize