Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
