i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
