Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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