you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
bring money and cleavage
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Everyone says I win the strip club
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
