8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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