You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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