Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
