I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
