i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
