you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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