i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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