4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
