Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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