Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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