My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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