I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
