k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
