Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
