Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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