Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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