eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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