did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize