Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
