I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize