You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
