I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I am one with the molecules
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
