Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
