Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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