i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
