wrigley field is MILF paradise
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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