when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
