So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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