Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize