My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
