sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
don't judge my taste in strippers
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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