if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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