the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
