mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
