dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
