I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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