Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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