On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
