Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
