Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
