Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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